The Tickle Spot
Humor, MENNONOT Style
These pages highlight some of the humor items from the pages of Mennonot, as well as other stuff we run across. If you have material that ought to be here, send it our way.
A twenty-something's guide to seminary
~ Kevin Driedger
In the twenty-something's quest for ultimate meaning (actually, we would settle for relative meaning), some may find the absurdity of the search demands a brief stop at a seminary. (Another place you can't call home.) As the seminary was built for "the few, the mighty, the called" and not for the wandering homeless souls, members of that undefinable but oh-so-marketable generation might find themselves somewhat lost. (More lost than usual, perhaps.) And so, a brief guide of how to survive seminary while maintaining your generally gloomy outlook on life:
Pre-study preparation
Have "Legalize it" tattooed on your forehead and written on the inside of your underwear. The seminary loves all-encompassing acceptance. Besides, you need to distinguish yourself from all the other dysfunctional, Leonard Cohen-praising, caffeine/Prozac addicts you find at seminary.
Bring as much gay/lesbian/bi paraphernalia as you can find. The modern seminary has diversity on the tip of its tongue. (It is best to bring the stuff, as the selection at the local Target store is limited.) This boy feels his sexuality is best expressed by the T-shirt "My mother doesn't know I'm a lesbian."
Courses they don't teach (but will next year)
- "Deconstructing God." A course for those who already know the rest of theology is bunk and want to get to the heart of the matter.
- "The Stigmata and the History of Body Piercing."
- "The Religious Imagination of Beavis and Butthead."
- "Poly & Plaid: A History of American Evangelical Religious Fashions of the 1970s."
- "Leading Worship with a Hangover: The Importance of Spontaneous Silence." A practice weekend seminar sponsored by Heineken.
- "Death."
Suggestions and advice
- It has yet to be proven, but is widely believed, that Hebrew becomes much easier to learn when the student is stoned.
- Start an underground 'zine titled Mennoerotica.
- Approved interdepartmental masters' thesis: "Potluck Iconography: A Jell-O Mold Relief of the Last Supper."
- And two weeks before graduation, run off with a 40-year-old Norwegian poet and take a job in a fish processing plant in Alaska.
(Kevin Driedger is an anemic boy from Winkler, Manitoba. He is currently a student at Associated Mennonite Biblical Seminary. He wishes everybody in the world would just be friends.)
Testicular Christianity
~ Cole Arendt
Mennonot #2 published a parody of an ad produced by Mennonite Board of Missions' Media Ministries. The ad, which appeared in the July 26, 1993, issue of Newsweek featured a glistening, muscle-bound male body in order to sell the idea of Mennos. The original text read thusly:
"Muscular Christianity. In the Mennonite Church some of our most satisfying work-outs take place not in gyms but in the yards of hurricane victims and the homes of the poor. Satisfaction happens when you put Christian faith into action by choosing a life of giving, instead of a life of merely getting. This Sunday, check out a church that will challenge you to sweat. . . to work out your faith in ways that make a difference."
What follows is other ideas for how Mennonite Christianity might be sold to the unchurched:
Testicular Christianity
In the Mennonite church some of our most satisfying work-outs take place not in gyms but in the barnyards of Manhattan, KS, and the homes of wealthy Lancaster County farmboys. They happen when we work like dogs and eat like horses. This Sunday, check out a church that will challenge you to sweat. . . fart and burp. To work out your frustrations and general inability to relate to women in ways that make a difference. For information on the church nearest you and a free family planning brochure on putting faith into latex, call 1-900-VAS-DEFS.
The Mennonite churches. Our family is probably your family.
Monetary Christianity
In the Mennonite church some of our most satisfying work-outs take place not in gyms but at biannual Board meetings where we do our Lapps and Benders and cut back programs for the poor. They happen when we put our faith into action by choosing one program over another instead of a life of merely getting along with one another. This Sunday write a check out to a church that will challenge you to sweat. . . to work out your budget in ways that make a difference, to us. For information on the church credit union nearest you and a free brochure on how to leave all your money to us should you die soon, call 1-900-MBM-CASH.
The Mennonite Churches. Our family can be your family (but not our money).
Other marketing strategies, yet to be developed, include:
- Singular Christianity: We've got God, so really, we don't need your family.
- Parlor Christianity: Our family plays Dutch Blitz better than your family.
- Below Par Christianity: Our family would really rather be your family.
- Insular Christianity: Our family can be your family (unless you're GC).
The top 10 reasons to consider joining a Mennonite church
~ Steve Mullet
- You're a heterosexual woman, and you're looking for the Mennonite hunk in the Newsweek ad.
- Your doctoral dissertation was entitled "Committees: Postmodern Manifestations of Countercultural Communitarianism."
- You're a gay Catholic and you've just been told by your priest that you need to do as much penance as is humanly possible in a year's time.
- Deep down you know that the Amish are right, but you just can't give up Seinfeld and the McNeil/Lehrer News Hour.
- You're a woman with highly unfulfilled masochistic tendencies.
- You find strange comfort in joining a group that makes the same mistakes as everyone else, only 20 years later.
- Your therapist said you need to get more Bible worship into your life.
- You're not getting enough fat in your diet.
- You're schizophrenic, and you've already learned how to deal with the confusion of living in two worlds.
- You just can't get enough jello salad.
Some choice excerpts from the Mennonot Midterm-Not
Credit to C. Anold Syder, Issue #2
This is a closed book exam for all those who attended any post-secondary school -- except for those who attended either Bluffton or Princeton. Students who attended either of these schools may cheat at will, as long as they sign the honor pledge at the end...
- Mennonit
- A humble bug
- Goes rollerblading wearing Oakleys and a Goshen T-shirt, while listening to the Mass Choir sing the former 606 on the Discman
- Nonviolent to the point of abuse
- Mennoknight
- A theological impossibility. If there ever were any, the fact should be hotly denied.
- Looks like a pawn, pronounces like a bishop, rules like a king in his castle.
- Uses only spiritual weapons, but has a huge arsenal.
- Mennonight
- Not all that interesting, really.
- More interesting than you might suppose.
- What else is there?
- Mennonude
- In your dreams!
- In my dreams!
- In Gertrude's dreams!
- A theological impossibility. If there ever were any, the fact should be hotly denied.
- In most cases, not worth it.
- Maannonoottee
- A Dutch relative.
- A Frisian hymnal.
- A Flemish martyr.
- Unknown, but most certainly an important part of our Dutch Menno heritage.
- Mennonaughty
- I don't want to talk about it.
- No comment.
- A theological impossibility. If there ever were any, the fact should be hotly denied.
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Mennonite
- A form of life not as close to extinction as you might think.
- A form of life closer to extinction than you might think.
- A form of life that has been extinct for more than 200 years, but no one noticed.
Don't skip the fine print
Miracles are contingent upon the will of God. This ministry assumes no legal responsibility for the veracity or permanency of reported healings, miracles or other happenings. All supernatural events are contingent upon spiritual condition relative to the individual, and any other deviation from the intended divine plan could result in mental, physical and spiritual setback.
(From the fine print of a direct mail letter from an unnamed "Christian ministry" promising health and wealth if you send away for a "Golden Prosperity Cross."
Mennonite Übermensch
Sure we're superior. Country air, good old-fashioned farm work and lots of meat and
potatoes have made us who we are. Is that anything to be apologetic about?
Until we return to a Biblical worldview, we will not see the demonic spirit world. Letter in The Mennonite, 10/12/93
The eds.: Nor will we see a flat earth, supported on pillars, suspended between the waters... nor women regarded as personal property... nor...
O.J. Simpson, professed heterosexual, arrested for murder
The openly heterosexual former football player, O.J. Simpson, was arrested today and charged with the murder of his former wife and companion. The arrest sent shock waves throughout the heterosexual community, as one of its most popular icons revived old stereotypes that surround the heterosexual lifestyle.
"Wife beating is not equivalent to being heterosexual," said Joe Eightpack, a spokesman for the Straight Alliance Against Defamation. "While it's true that some heterosexuals engage in spousal abuse, it's still no more common among straights than among gays."
But opponents of heterosexual rights seized on the incident.
"Every year, hundreds of thousands of women are victims of this immoral subculture," said the Rev. Donald Gaylord, spokesman for the Concerned Homosexuals of America. "There appears to have been a heterosexual ring in Los Angeles, including the police force, that covered up this depraved activity for years. I'm particularly concerned about saving our children from this kind of example."
Statistics suggest a large minority of heterosexual males are involved in some kind of domestic violence; one in four heterosexual relationships involves violence, with two to four million women affected each year. Researchers who claim that heterosexuality is a choice and not, as some believe, involuntary, argue that this makes it even more important not to give social sanction to the activity.
"It's not heterosexuals as such that we're opposed to," argues Gaylord. "It's their self-destructive lifestyle."
from the Internet news group rec.humor.funny.
Top 10 reasons for being glad you're a Mennonite
Jerome Bagget (Issue #1)
- Large gene pools are so darn impersonal
- Church leaders took a dramatic step forward in the cause for womens' rights by affirming that head coverings need not be worn during the swimsuit competition at the Miss America pageant.
- Menno Simons could easily have kicked Luther's and Calvin's butts.
- Completing one's education without ever experiencing sex ed taught by an 80-year-old nun claiming to be "married to Christ" greatly increases the possibility of having a healthy sex life.
- Can't find a good three bean salad at any restaurant anywhere in the U.S.
- The fellowship at the annual Amish-Mennonite Oktoberfest never strained by a nasty hangover.
- Who can dance to rap music anyway?
- Church leaders plan to remain true to the traditional stance of military non-involement by prophetically declaring all Mennonites to be gay or lesbian.
- The excitement is really building around the upcoming motion picture starring Harrison Ford and Kelly McGinnis about Mennonite ethnic diversity entitled Whiteness.
- Over 600 songs in the new Mennonite hymnal and not one of them is Kum Ba Yah.
Church forms listening committee for stubborn sons
Steve Mullet
The Mennonite Church General Board recently announced the formation of a Listening Committee in response to the growing problem faced by families within the church who are struggling with SARS (Stubborn and Rebellious Sons).
When asked about the task of the committee, newly appointed chairperson Samuel "All-Ears" Eby-Wiebe replied that "the committee will engage the delicate task of listening to the pain of both the families and the sons, as they try to sort out the ambiguities of their situations and seek to remain faithful to a biblical response to their problems."
Evidently, recent attempts at stonings of SARS by various elder groups in several congregations in the new B.B.O.O.B. ("Back to the Bible or Out-you-go Believers") Mennonite splinter group prompted the committee's formation. Cleo P. Christian-and-then-some, spokesperson for the B.B.O.O.B. group, declared the committee's conception "an affront to the Almighty. Listen, either you believe The Book or you don't. The church cannot be corrupted by any of this interpretation or social-cultural context nonsense. Deuteronomy 21:20 clearly says these young boys should be stoned, and that is what we intend to do."
Other responses to the committee have been more receptive. A Mennonite leader, who wished to remain anonymous, suggested that perhaps there was room for some middle biblical ground on the issue.
"Perhaps we could do more to distinguish between those young men who are
merely inclined to be rebellious and those who actually concretely act on that inner
orientation in a consistently rebellious and stubborn fashion," he said. "Such a
delineation will allow us to stay biblical and should go a long way toward resolving this
incredibly delicate issue."
Classification Method for Religions
Years ago scholars attempted to collect information on all the religions in the known galaxy. While the attempt itself proved useless, it did provide a system of classification for religions. To get a quick understanding of any given religion, it is helpful to learn this simple classification method.
Each religion identifier consists of a string of numbers, letters and hyphens for quickly locating certain attributes. I highly recommend all those writing articles about any religion to use this classification scheme so that the average person can quickly find exactly what the religion entails without the difficulty of reading the entire text.
The first digit of the classification number represents the number of deities the religion has, followed by a letter indicating the type. Omit the letter if the first digit is 0:
- A) All powerful, all knowing benevolent
- B) All powerful, but one can usually pull pranks due to lack of all knowingness
- C) All knowing, but who the hell really cares due to lack of all powerfulness
- D) Neither all knowing nor all powerful, but just kind of there
- E-H) Same as above, but malevolent
- I) Whoever happens to be leader of the people at the time
- J) Everything and everybody is part of god
- K) Everything and everybody, except for members of a religion we don't like, is part of god
- L) God is a head of lettuce named Sid
The next digit represents what is expected after death:
- 0) Everybody goes to a nice place
- 1) Members of the religion go to a nice place, everybody else goes to an unpleasant place
- 2) Members of the religion go to an unpleasant place, everybody else goes to a nice place
- 3) Everybody goes to an unpleasant place
- 4) Nobody goes anywhere
- 5) Really bad people are forced to work in all-night convenience stores in New Jersey
- 6) Everybody is reincarnated
- 7) Only people who deserve punishment are reincarnated
The letter immediately following that represents the organization of the religion, A representing very organized and Z representing chaos. Follow this by a hyphen to make it easier to find the next section.
The next number represents the percentage of members named "Bubba." Do this on a scale from 0 to 9, with 0 meaning that nobody is named Bubba and 9 meaning that everyone is named Bubba.
The next letter indicates how policy is decided. If no letter is listed, then there is no policy:
- A) Handed down from a single source
- B) Voted on by a collection of elders
- C) Voted on by everybody
- D) Chosen by a random number generator
- E) Determined by careful computer analysis
- F) Determined by combatants representing each view playing Super Mario Brothers
- Z) Nobody has ever tried to change the policy, so nobody knows just yet
Then follows a digit representing the number of ways one can spell the name of the religion.
The next letter represents the place where the religion holds its meetings:
- A) No meetings
- B) A building set aside for the purpose
- C) A building that is also the gym for the local high school
- D) Outside
- E) In an airport or bus terminal
- F) In a graveyard or mausoleum
- G) In a bathtub or jacuzzi
If ever the standards to any of these above constraints are unknown, the use of a question mark is preferred.
Examples:
- Atheism: 04Z-11A
- Buddhism: 1J7M-2Z2B
- Calvinism: 1A1B-0B1B
- Catholicism: 1A1A-1A1B
- Episcopalianism: 1??M-0B1B
- Hare Krishna: 1J7C-3A4E
- Mennonite: (send us your opinions)